He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
where are you?
Hypothermia
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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