I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
