My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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