you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
