I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
