dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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