Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
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so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
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Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
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