I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
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