he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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