I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
