Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
