She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
