I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
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He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
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And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
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