i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
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