Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
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