God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
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Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
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the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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