Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
