No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
In America we eat man semen.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Randomize
