he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
two words...techno handjob
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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