fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
This is not my ceiling
Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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