Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
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