She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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