So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Randomize
