I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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