I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
