A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Randomize
