I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
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