You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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