Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
The adults are the big ones right?
Randomize
