my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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