those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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