I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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