Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
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