had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
