i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
It's official drugs can't kill me
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Randomize
