Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Randomize
