the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
