when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize
