Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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