Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
