the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
