last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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