I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
