"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
