i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
