my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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