im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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