Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
