I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
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