Swine flu. Run for my life!
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
