there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
She bit a glass in half.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
