And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
