Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
