at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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