in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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