its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
These tits shall not be calmed
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