I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
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Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
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She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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