My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
