Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
