my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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