I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
